Be here now...

Sarah...

As I sit here typing aimlessly on my laptop keys and sip my wine I can still picture you sitting on my floor...studying for nursing school. I still have your note cards laying on my shelf. I dust around them. The trunk of my car still has a whole box full of your things that I haven't touched since I tried to drag you out of that rent house. You were so stubborn. You always doubted yourself, yet you always knew what was right for you. But you didn't. I was wiping down my counters the other day and I noticed this one spot where you had cut into the linoleum one day when I was trying to distract you from your depression with baking. You left 20 minutes later. I didn't try to stop you. You wanted to be alone. I didn't. I still don't. I imagine the silence now filled with your laughter, and I picture how much better it would be. I would have hugged you more. I would have understood how hard it was for you. Had I only been in your shoes. Had I have realized your pain. I have yet to throw away that candle you bought me three weeks before. Or that bottle of wine. I should have hugged you more. Sometimes I regret everything. Other times I think it wasn't that bad. It's undoable. It's impossible to return to that place. And that's when the sadness sets in. Knowing nothing will ever be able to change things. Why does it have to always be so hard without you. Why didn't I realize that then. You probably didn't know this then, but I loved you. With all my heart. I was scared to confront you. I was scared to lose you because I was scared you would get mad. That if I said you needed to get control of your depression meds, That you needed to really talk to someone and open up, That you needed to look at the world and say 'Fuck you world you don't even know the best me yet, just wait, I'll show you', but you never did do that. You gave up. You made everyone else feel the way you did. Hopeless. All my hope disappeared the moment I last held your hand, cried cheek to cheek with you, kissed your face, hugged you, and told you I would love you yesterday, today, and tomorrow. My hope disappeared that morning I woke up knowing you'd never talk to me again. Getting that text saying you had passed away two hours after I finally fell asleep. My best friend had died. I miss you everyday. Every day. No day is any easier. They all lied. They said the pain would fade. That it would all be alright. They lied. I still need you and long for your advice and kind words. You were the best friend anyone could ask for. I grew up with you. As in we taught each other everything, not always good things, but everything. You taught me to let my hair down throw my hands in the air and let my worries go. I have had one hell of a time even attempting that in the past year and a half. I have been cautious. I have been scared. I have been anything but the person you would have thought I would have become. I remember back on what you used to always say 'Abby I wish I was as strong as you' I used to always laugh...I didn't believe I was strong. But looking back on it, me now compared to me then, you were right I was strong. I was really strong. I don't know if that girl died with you or if she just went into hiding but I sure as hell wish you were here to tell me. I do miss you. I hope you know that.

Tell them you love them TODAY!

*steps on soapbox*

I can't live without them....
I love them....
Go tell them that, whoever they are.

 Shout it directly in their face. Write it on your forehead. Put it on an airplane banner and fly it over their house.  Just make sure they hear you. Why wait another day? What if they move, die, fall in love with someone else? If you know you will regret not telling someone how you feel, you probably should tell them. Too many things hold us back from taking our lives back. I am working on taking my life back each and every day. I have let fear and over thinking control most of what I say and do. I run twenty different senario's through my head before I make a decision. My final decisions usually are very reserved compared to the senario's I've sorted carefully through.

 I almost always regret not saying something I should have. Not telling someone exactly how they make me feel, good or bad. I need to learn to stand up for me and what I want. Is it so hard to tell people how we feel? What is with all the games we play and the rules we have? If you know you feel strongly about someone, why is it so hard to just tell them? If you were hungry wouldn't you tell them how you felt about needing food right away? What about being lonely. Would you tell them that you needed company? And then love...would or could you ask someone for love? You should. You should look that person in the face and tell them EXACTLY what is on your mind. Fuck scaring that person away. You should really be scared of not ever finding out what they were feeling in the first place. Odds are they are just as screwed up in the head as you are.

 People are not and will never be mind readers. We need to communicate our needs with each other. I really hate not knowing things and having that sick feeling in my stomach like I am constantly screwing up with my relationships. Ask questions! Do not be scared to put all of you out there. Love yourself enough to ask for what makes you happy in whatever role you play in life.

As a MOTHER
I NEED for my child to always love me, no matter how much I screw up. And to trust that I am capable of being a life coach.
I WANT to be the fun parent and the sensitive one. I want to be the person he chooses first. There I said it.

As a FRIEND/SISTER
I NEED someone to always tell me when I am wrong, even if I don't think I am.
I WANT truth and loyalty.

As a GIRLFRIEND/PARTNER
I NEED someone to share their soul with me and feel as deeply as I do. Who is just as giddy/nervous around me as I am them.
I WANT someone to believe in my capabilities. Understanding, acceptance, free time. And above all a love that is limitless.

As a DAUGHTER
I NEED reassurance and year to year guidance.
I WANT more time together.


“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.”- Marie Curie
____
        ____
                  ____ Stepping off my soapbox now....

Is there an expiration date on human interaction?

As I come to the end of a long term relationship, yet again, I have to ask myself...Is there an expiration date on human interaction? Is there always a point in the relationship where one person can refuse to grow with the other? I think back and wonder when that point was and was there a sign that only I could see. I was stagnant and becoming miserable. I needed someone to help me grow, encourage me to step outside my comfort zone. Challenge me. Tell me I can fly if I wanted to. I think about all the turning points in my life and the few moments that were important to me. Each time I thought about these amazing times in my life they were all litered with a fight or argument on why in the world I would want to partake in that event. I wonder if I was growing too fast or if he was just too scared to grow himself. Either way we didn't compliment each other. We didn't push each other to be different. We fought for our right to stay the same. To have the other person agree that the way we were was just fine and that we didn't need to change who we were. But I needed to change! I needed to feel excitement. To know that I was more than just a stagnant bowl of water sitting there waiting on something that would never come because I wasn't willing to let change happen. I was scared to let go. I was scared to see what would or could happen to this person I had loved for years if I was to change without him. I worried and worried about what would happen to him while completely neglecting myself. I never once thought what would happen to me if I stayed in this relationship just to keep misery company.

How do you break up with that person? Do you blame them? Do you yell at them because you believe in your heart the reason it had to end was because they weren't willing to grow? This is a person you've been able to get to know in and out. The person you trusted to be there for you through thick and thin. You have so many feelings for them, anger, love, concern. How do you express all of these without hurting the other person? I have tried many different approaches to ending relationships that I knew would never amount to what they could because one or both people were not willing to admit their hangups. None of my approaches ever seem to work. There is always that one person who will say anything to keep you with them as long as they can. Misery does love company and when you have been that company for so long it becomes hard to escape that lifestyle. How do you just say no and walk away? Is it ever that easy to just say no and walk away?

I knew in my heart it was wrong to hold on to something I was no longer willing to work at either, but letting go was hard. Building up the courage to walk away from something stagnant and to walk towards something new and unknown was very hard. But all of a sudden I can breathe deeply again without choking and questioning my actions. A new life is waiting for me to grab ahold of it and do what I please. No questions to be asked. No questions to be answered.

What a great feeling to know the world is yours to do with what you please, and to actually finally believe you can.


So I guess to answer my question "Is there an expiration date on human interaction?" Only if you create one yourself.

Till my next crisis.....
Abby

hmm

I get lost in my head a lot. I mean a whole lot. I cannot seem to shake it sometimes. It gets so bad sometimes I even dream about what I obsess over in the day time. I am not really sure about a lot of things, like this blog for instance. This blog is pretty pathetic and in a way my journal. I only write here when I get overly emotional about things. Do you ever have those days when for no reason at all you just bust out into tears? It feels like you have so much boiling inside you that its almost as if you are a tea pot....boiling until finally that awful screeching noise happens and you can't help but rush to it to make it stop. I just don't know how to make it stop.